I’m sick of teachers badmouthing procrastination like it’s something to be avoided.

They say it negatively impacts my work. I say it is my work. Essays may come and go, but procrastination is here to stay.

Some may say that any person can procrastinate. To those people, I say, I will get right back to you after I am done watching television. Procrastination is an art form. You can not just not do something. You need adequate training, supplies and people to write you instant messages while you’re trying to write.

Take this column, for example. While I knew that it was due for over a week, I did not start it until about six hours before my deadline. But while you may think I simply ignored it all that time, it is not that simple. I thought about getting started on it every single day. Did I ever type out a single word? Of course not. But the thought was there.

By far, the greatest tool in my possession for wasting time is the Internet. I regularly post on three Web boards, as inane conversation with others in a delayed time setting wastes time like nothing else.

I also make sure to keep several West Coast people on my instant messaging Buddy List. That way, I am sure to have people to talk to at all hours of the night about how much work I have to do. My Gameboy detracts an immeasurable amount from my work. The rough calculations I just spent 15 minutes on show that I play an estimated two games of Tetris per paragraph.

Despite my dedication to the art of procrastination, I do realize it is important to not spend forever playing Tetris (and when you reach the skill level I have, you can spend hours playing one game) so I generally select the “Type B” game where the objective is to disappear 25 lines. The playing field is scattered with random blocks, making it more difficult to build solid lines.

Aside from the Internet, my largest strength in the procrastinative arts lies in my extended desk area. A procrastinator does not have a work area; he has a lack of work area. Toys are required, as well as several items that are not thought of as toys, but can be mindlessly manipulated with the hands. It helps if they are capable of making a repetitive and grating noise. The toys are generally more useful to uselessness if they do “something.” Transformers are an excellent example. Most of the ones that litter my desktop are automobiles, providing several possibilities for play. They can be “driven” around or transformed into robot form to fight epic battles of good versus evil. Except in my case, it is a battle of productivity verses procrastination.

Not a field for the weak, procrastination demands a clear, caffeinated head. Simply sitting down and doing nothing is not acceptable.

Unfortunately, many believe procrastination and laziness are synonymous, which is simply not true. A lazy writer simply does not wish to do the work, while a procrastinator does wish to do the work, he is simply skilled in the art of self distraction.

The lazy writer will step away from the computer to watch TV; the procrastinator plans to only watch TV for an hour but ends up watching several because that one episode of Friends where Joey freaks out at the site of Monica wearing a turkey on her head to cheer up Chandler is on, and even though the procrastinator owns it on DVD, it is still necessary to watch anyway.

As this column begins to not come together, I am reminded of a Calvin and Hobbes strip that illustrates the art of procrastination perfectly. Fortunately, I have my collection in my room. I attempt to look up the strip, but also have a pressing urgency to read the entire book, which I do. It only takes 40 minutes to make it through the collection, which is nothing, considering most of the piece is written.

The strip has Hobbes asking Calvin whether he has decided what to write yet. Calvin explains one has to be in the proper mood to write. Hobbes: “What mood is that?” Calvin: “Last minute panic.”

One last facet of procrastination I am skilled in is the half-assed conclusion. A procrastinator does not conclude; he merely restates his point (if he has one in the first place), throws in a media reference and clumsily exits, sometimes ending the column on an anti-climactic note.

Originally published in The Daily Collegian.

# 2003 Feb 14