Every so often someone has (what they think is) a genius idea and tells me every person in the country should do some sort of conscripted service. Not necessarily the armed forces (although a fair share do advocate mandatory military service), but some sort of general service beneficial to humanity, whether it be teaching inner-city gang members how to love or going overseas and killing people who look different than us.

Speaking for myself — as opposed to when the president authorizes me to speak for the nation (which isn’t often, seeing as last time I did, it resulted in seven separate international incidents, four revolutions, three and a half hurricanes and the death of the Luxembourg ambassador’s toy poodle) — I think this is a stupid idea. And not just because it’s dumb, but also for a real reason.

If you make me do something, I don’t do it, and instead spend time thinking of ways to legally cut your arm off and use it to beat you. If you ask me to do something, I just might do it, plus it reduces your chance of an arm beating by 27 percent.

I have a much better idea. An idea that puts the spin in spin cycle and the romp in Romper Room. In the Scott World Order (est. 2017), everyone will be required to do a year of service in the retail sector.

I think this is a great idea for several reasons. The first three are pretty much based on the fact I came up with it and I’m awesome. The fourth one is because everybody buys stuff in stores. Except for commies. They don’t believe in stores because they don’t have souls.

Anyone who’s ever worked in retail (and I’m sure many of you have, even if you’ve mentally blocked the memory) knows that while most customers are extremely decent people, there’s the select few who deserve a long slow death.

Everyone has stories about the people like that — which I’m not going to go into detail about here. And by not go into “not detail about here,” I mean: These people have been making me irrationally angry for years and I’m going to make you read about it.

One of the most universal things I’ve noticed in customers is the surprise that results when I ask them for money. They’ll just stand there in a complete daze while I’m ringing their stuff up, and when I tell them their total, it’s like they’ve just been possessed by Keanu Reeves: “Whoa, you mean like you want money? Whoa.”

Another fun bunch are the people who are regularly dissatisfied with their makeup purchases. The day after their purchase they march back to the store, tell me “the color wasn’t the same as what I thought I bought” (apparently we sell magical color-change makeup) or “it didn’t look right on me.” Well, here’s a hint, uggo, the only thing that’s going to look right on you is a paper bag.

Don’t blame me, the store or the makeup for your face. All you’re accomplishing is making me want to jump over the counter, stab you in the eye with the lipstick that was fine yesterday but today it doesn’t seem to match your eye shadow, which you have entirely too much of on while screaming, “REFUND THIS, BITCH!”

If a customer becomes particularly rowdy, we’ll hit a button under the counter which will alert the crack Cantankerous Customer Rehabilitation Squad who’ll fly to the store in helicopters (preferably Black Hawks), crash through the huge glass window in the ceiling (all stores have huge glass windows in their ceilings in the future) and apprehend the troublesome berk.

They’ll be subjected to rigorous testing to determine whether they’re fit to purchase products in a retail setting. If not, they’ll be sentenced to 10 years working the after-Christmas return counter at Wal-Mart.

Of course, there’s going to be some people who are just too bitchy to deal with. Those people will be sent to Russia to live with the rest of the commies.

See how they like buying stuff when they can’t, because commies don’t have stores! All they have are long lines for food, tanks, vodka and godless churches.

“I’m sorry, I don’t like the way this makeup looks on me.” “What do you mean you don’t like your state-selected shade of makeup? You imperialist pig!”

They’ll be declared an enemy of the people and shot. It’ll be great. In a horrible sort of way. Horribly great.

Originally published in The Daily Collegian.

# 2003 Apr 04